God and pain
Entire libraries could be filled with books and peoples’ thoughts and writings about pain and hard time and more specifically why God allows such difficult things. But somehow in the midst of the heartache, sometimes reading a book about it seems ridiculous.
There is no road map for the path we are on. There is no how-to book. Sometimes there are truly no words. I have scarcely had the heart to even utter anything at all to God these past weeks. It reminds me of when Rylee was born, gravely ill and fighting for her little life. I didn’t talk to Him for several months. I didn’t know how.
What I did know, and believe still today, is that God hears the ache in our heart even when we can’t verbalize it. When I was tempted to feel guilty for lack of prayer in those months following her birth, I felt Him whisper “You didn’t have to pray, I heard your heart and I watched every tear you cried. I knew every longing and saw the fear overwhelm you. I was there.”
I felt such relief and such freedom and such gratitude in that moment, I have never forgotten it.
Last night I made a list, a list of all that was weighing on me in an effort to make some sense of how I feel. The list did not help, once I got to #15, I decided to quit. His mercies are new every morning I told myself and forced sleep.
I read in Psalm 51 this morning, desperate for a tiny piece of Hope….Be gracious to me, O God, according to your lovingkindness…make me to hear joy and gladness, let the bones (or the heart) which you have broken rejoice. Seemed like a pretty tall request, but I asked anyway. Please be gentle Jesus, please carry our family onward and please heal the broken hearts.
He will. Not in my way or in my time. I think we will be walking through all of this for a while. But I know He will come through, God has not failed me yet.
Disappointed me, yes.
Been silent for too long more than once, yes.
Not done what I deemed best, most certainly.
But His hand is unmistakeably real to me. It is an unwavering source of hope and strength, even when I have more doubts than faith.