So that I calm down and can regain some mental clarity, let me share about our morning…

Going to the aquarium is somewhat of my nemesis.  I wrote first about it here.

Today in an effort to provide the kids with some welcome distraction from all the tears and the details that are taking over the lives of everyone right now, we headed to the aquarium downtown.

It was a decision made by me but without my complete permission.

I almost let Caleb get in the car in his pajamas.  No one brushed their hair.  I did not pack snacks and waters for everyone as usual.

Life today is simply not life ‘as usual’.

We got there way too early, I was so not with it that I never even looked at the clock.

In my current state, I set my phone and Audrey’s sippy cup down in the hood of the stroller.  In 5 short minutes I noticed dripping.  My phone was immersed in 2 inches of water.  I took it apart and took a deep breath.

It was fried.  We walked into the aquarium, tried to dry it out on an air vent.

My dad offers to go to T-Mobile and get me a new phone, I have no choice but ‘yes’.  With all the details and plans of the week, my phone is my lifeline, my greatest tool for getting done what must get done.

We set out for tidepools, as shaky as I am I hold on to kids with two hands as I dangle them over the water to touch some starfish.  My phone in water is bad but one of my kids in the tidepool might certainly be my undoing.

Dad is back in what seems like no time and as soon as he sets the new phone in my hand it rings and I answer and continue on the path before me …. someone has found shoes for my boys to wear on Wednesday.  Beat up tennis shoes are not proper funeral attire and I am thankful again for the gift of people and the extended arms of Jesus.

Little blessings.

Five minutes pass, we round a bend and continue toward the exit.  I’ve been counting all morning rather neurotically “one, two, three, four” out loud or in my head.  Determined not to lose one of my children.

But alas, Kyler is gone.  I look and count and everyone in our group is up ahead.  He is not there.

I start retracing my steps and begin sure and sudden panic.

I find him and hold him as the mama who was with him releases him to me.  He is sobbing.

I hold back tears and hold on tight to my little boy.

I realize then that I’ve taken on more than was reasonable but it’s a bit late for that to matter.

We survive lunch and make it safely to the car and really, everyone is okay.

Deep breath.

No aquarium for a while.

Another deep breath.

We will all make it through this.