From the moment we found out we were expecting this fifth baby, I was gripped with fear.  It was beyond what I could understand.  I was not willing to speak it out loud as that made it more real to me.  So it has been carefully tucked away in my heart for nearly 5 months.  In our 8 years as parents, we’ve walked through big changes and encountered many different kinds of loss.  These of course culminated with the incredibly tragic death of my husband’s father in January of this year.

The fragile and uncertain nature of human life stared me in the face like it never has.  It left my heart broken and my legs shaky and all of me uncertain how life would move on.   The whole world moved forward and I felt like our life stood still.  For months.

Debating if I would still believe in the God I claimed to love, I wondered how He could have let so much hurt seep into our life.  Some seen and some completely unseen.  In tender and quiet places filled with puddles of my tears, I chose Him.  I chose to believe the truths that were crashing around in my head even though my heart said it was all too much and it would be understandable if I was done.

We took life one day at a time.  We still do.  We held onto each other for dear life when just 2 years ago we were grasping for straws and trying to put a broken marriage back together.

So I suppose with the freshness of loss still lingering in my heart, I was strangely pessimistic and felt like this gift of new life might just slip between my fingers.  Earlier in the week, I wept out the words as I prayed “No matter what happens, you need to know that I know you are still good.  I don’t want anything to be wrong, but I trust you, you have never failed me.”

I could hardly breathe as the technician scanned my belly and gave us our first glimpse at this little baby.   Though I had felt for weeks certain and sure movement every day that told me “I’m in here!”, I still struggled to believe it was for real.

Weighing just 14 ounces, this babe moved so much it was hard to get everything measured.  We counted fingers and toes.  We watched a tiny perfect mouth open and close.   I breathed in and out and did not pass out like I’d imagined I might.  Peace overcame.  My heart slowed down.

I was undone and spilling over with thankfulness…

#258 – a healthy growing fifth baby blessing

#259 – sunshine for days on end

#260 – a perfect pumpkin patch adventure

#261 – frosty cold mornings

#262 – warm pumpkin scones

#263 – an empty washer, first time in 6 months or so being caught up on laundry!

#264 – peace

#265 – believing He is the same regardless of my days, my attitude, my success or my failure

#266 – a cousin kiss

#267 – a baby on a baby bump

#268 – making applesauce

#269 -being married

…yes, I know it’s not Monday, but I decided that was okay!