Thinking about life
Last year around this time we were welcoming another little person into our family. She was the physical, tangible picture of what God was doing in our life. We had walked through a season of great pain, many intangible losses and just disillusionment with life in general. I believed that Audrey’s birth would mark a new season of rebirth and renewal, which it did. But when autumn came and Chris found out he would need to find a new job after working at the same place for 10 years the ‘new season’ took a drastically different look than we’d planned. As always, there was more to the story than we could see and though it seemed impossible some days, we continued to put one foot in front of the other and walked the road before us.
We’re still walking. And learning. And growing. The more all those things take place, the more amazed I am at who God is and what He can do. I’m only 31. I realize I’ve got so much more to take in. But wow, as I learn to let go and just be the me that I was made to be, it sure feels good. A couple years ago I sensed God whispering to deep places in my heart about children and family and trusting Him instead of making a plan that I would hold fast to unless He could wrestle it away from my white knuckles.
What He was saying to me about the treasure, the gift beyond any other, the blessing, the inheritance that children were was a message I hadn’t grown up hearing-not inside or outside of the church. It first seemed something I might like to keep to myself (except for the living out of it was hard to keep a secret….babies are hard to miss) because it was so counter culture.
In the back yard a few weeks ago I was watching the kids all play and was overwhelmed at the thought that came into my mind. What would my life look if I said ‘no-thank-you-to-more-gifts’? I would like every other kind of good thing and blessing-money, vacation time, friends, etc.-except for children.
Maybe I would have nicer cars.
Maybe I would have a yearly vacation to Hawaii.
Maybe I would have the satisfaction of a full time job that pays well.
Maybe I wouldn’t have stretch marks and I’d still look good in a bikini.
Maybe I would have free time every weekend to pursue hobbies and get my nails done.
Maybe I would be well rested, not be addicted to coffee and know what 8 hours of sleep feels like.
Yes. Maybe those things.
But then no one (including me) would be blessed by a little girl whose smile can make your whole day. No one would get to laugh at the antics of a long haired, brown eyed little boy who loves everyone he meets. No one would have taught me just what ‘the end of my rope’ means. No one would have drawn love out of my heart that I didn’t even know existed. So much would be missing my heart hurts just thinking about it.
I love watching as our kids grow and learn and become the people they were created to be.
I love how much their presence has transformed the way we experience life.
They truly are a gift.