It has been a dreadful long time since I’ve written about mornings. I’m not about to write anything on here that isn’t true and real. And thus, I’ve had nothing productive or wonderful to say about morning time for…about 7 months. Phineas has been a character-growing-tool in the hands of a gracious God. Of course all children are, this is one of a multitude of reasons they are given to us. But sleep has been extra elusive and patience a minute-by-minute need these past months. And for some reason I put on myself the unnecessary burden of not wanting to complain lest I give someone the room to say “See, that’s why I don’t have five kids” or “You did this to yourself you know!”. Yes, people do say and think those things. All the time.
Life slowed – we did survival. And my blissful mornings up early before anyone woke up were a distant memory.
But fall is here. School is underway. New routines are in place. And my heart is in desperate need of deep portions of God and truth and grace. There is no substitute for a vibrant, authentic, organic relationship with Jesus. I cannot catch it by being around people who exude His love. But in being around those ones, my appetite is whet again for more. More than whispered half prayers in the night. More than Sunday sermons. More than frustrated weariness that comes from depending on flesh.
Week before last at church, as soon as I saw the title on the bulletin Discipline I thought “Ugh, really? I so don’t want to hear about this today.” Only because I’ve been hashing out with God why I don’t see certain fruit in my life (read: patience, gentleness, joy, etc) and I’ve kept hearing the same thing from Him,
“There is NO substitution for time spent with me. You cannot manufacture what you are longing for. No matter how capable you are you still need ME.”
So I’ve known I needed some changes (namely, the will to get up every day before my kids come pouncing onto my bed to wake me up!). But have lacked the guts to try, I just don’t want to fail. Its just been a L-O-N-G seven months (did I already say that?). I’m tired. Like bone tired, super exhausted.
But He still beckons me. He knows I’m tired. He offers me all that I need and still I choose sleep over all else.
So last week Monday morning, for the first time since last year I set my alarm and woke up at 6 AM. I thought the losing sleep was the “pain now” and the time to get my heart in order the “reward later”. Wrong. Literally at the sound of my alarm for 2 seconds on the lowest volume, Finn woke up. So I got ready while he played then juggled him in the front pack while I bounced on the yoga ball to keep him quiet and tried to hold and read my prayer book and have some semblance of a ‘quiet’ time. Not exactly what I’d envisioned, me curled up alone in my cozy chair with hot tea and a blanket and my Bible while the rest of the house sleeps.
But He met me anyway. And I confessed my undiscipline and asked for a new beginning. And I trust He can do that…again 🙂