Just trying to breathe

(I wrote this on Thursday….the writing is helping me stay closer to sanity)

It was all I could do to keep breathing today.

Waiting, hoping, longing for good news.

My sister (almost 5 months pregnant) offered again and again to come in the middle of the night.  I kept saying no, wanting to not need her because needing meant things not going well.  Wanting it all to work out okay.

Finally I said yes.  I felt my heart calm when she walked in the door.  I felt like the younger sister for once.  I quit wandering and refolding the same shirts.  Even at 30 years old and beyond the comfort a sister can bring overwhelms me, I am so thankful I have two of them.  We nestled into my bed with fresh flannel sheets and chased elusive sleep in between constant cell phone updates.

No news.  No news.  No news.

My sister had to go, to care for her little boy at home so her husband could go to my husband over the mountains to help search.  To bring love.  To bring family.  Her sacrifice freely given and gratefully received.

Then news.

The strain in his voice when he called.

I pictured his face and fell to my knees.

The only word I could seem to find was “no, no and no”.

I kept blinking my eyes.  It isn’t real.

But it is.

In one instant our life is forever changed.  No warning.  No getting ready.  No goodbyes.

Just gone.

Agony in waiting for the one I love to walk in the door many hours later.

Obsessive housecleaning.

Confused children with really hard questions to ask.

Food, warm and nourishing, prepared with love and tears.

A hug that lingers long and speaks multitudes into my soul.

Tears run down both our cheeks and I am again touched by a friend who breathes the character of Jesus to me.

Compassion.  No trite words.  Listening.  Loving.

More waiting then they come.

His mother.  A widow.  In one moment, life is never the same.

His face so weary and broken I feel my heart sink to the floor as he walks through our door.

Cheek to cheek my breath leaves me as I think what his eyes witnessed today.

He whispers.  My body wraps his with everything I have.

Long embraces.  So many tears.

I gently remind everyone they must eat.  They say no then take plates and eat everything.

Sadness covers our home despite the busy laughter and buzz of small children playing.

It will lift.  I know.

There is One who will turn our mourning into dancing who will bring peace and comfort beyond words.

Just not today.

Comments

mom

Thanks for sharing the feelings of the moment, sweetie. It is a deep and true sorrow. Yet in your writing I also see the beauty and strength of sisterhood – those other women – who walk with us and carry us when we cannot walk. You have been that for others so many times and that gift now comes back to you. You are precious and loved.

Amy (Densley) Converse

I was so saddened to read your email (forwarded from Kim). I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are all feeling. Please know that you are all in our thoughts and prayers.

Danielle

Love you so much. I know your heart is broken and you feel like you’re in a whirlwind, but you are doing so amazing at handling details and keeping up with kids. It is so clear that you are being held in God’s hands and filled with the peace that only He can give.

Steph

I couldn’t agree with Mom and D more. My heart is so sad for you, but I’m amazed to see how you’re walking thru this difficult time. Thank you for letting us stand by you and Christopher. I love you both so very much.

Dad

Oh my sweet daughter and wonderful son-in-law how my heart grieves with you. To walk through such pain at a young age is so hard. Know the depth of our love for you and Christopher and his family.

Kim

Karissa, I am so sorry for your family’s loss. I haven’t heard from you in a long time – since your last FIAR purchase from me – but I have been keeping up with your blog. You have a beautiful family. I’m glad you have sisters to share your pain, and a close family to help you make it through this. I will be praying for you, that God will ease your family’s pain, and give you strength to stand in the days that are ahead of you.

God Bless,
Kim

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