How did I get here?
Sometimes I feel like life fast forwards and I am not sure how I end up where I am. After a fairly smooth transition to life with four kids, Audrey got sick in November and hasn’t slept well since her 4 days in the hospital. Since Chris works long hours, I am the only one up with Audrey. Without sleep, life gets more blurry for me. The ‘fast forwards’ happen more often and my head spins.
For instance, I don’t think I ever would have imagined myself at a McDonald’s on a Sunday morning at 9:00. I even had the bit of brilliance to go through their drive thru to get my cheap, rather gross coffee so that I wouldn’t have to wait in line inside with the kids. Then we pulled around and ran inside where I watched them play in the play area for over an hour.
Did I mention I was still in my pajamas? And so was Caleb-bright red footie pj’s with yellow rain boots over them. Rylee as well was still in jammies I’m fairly sure. Really it was only this morning and already the memory is so foggy. We had a great time for the most part. One of my children gets overwhelmed by that loud environment even when no other kids are present and took breaks to cry in my lap. But the other three did have fun.
In the same way, I just folded and put away every stitch of clothes that we all own. But somehow there are clothes in a big pile filthy dirty in front of the washer as well as clothes in every hamper. How did one 6 year old manage to get pooped on by a chicken wearing three different shirts in two days? How is this possible? How did time move so quickly?
Similarly, days ago I bought plants for the yard and somehow 4 days passed without me noticing and they were drying out and so tonight I rather desperately dug holes with my bare hands, since it was pitch dark and I couldn’t find the shovel, knowing that the week starts tomorrow and it would be even harder to get them in the ground. Just thinking about that makes me sigh. Is it really the start of the week when your husband is working both weekend days and they have felt just exactly like any old Monday through Friday?
Strange to me this not having weekends. I have had a far harder time adjusting to that than I expected. Full time mama of four duty Monday through Sunday. Not easy. Adding in 26 little chicks? Slightly insane actually. But no regrets there, truly none. The kids are happy. They bring so much laughter and so many smiles. If I can just stop ‘trying’ and keep slowing down to enjoy the moments as they come. Why in the world is that so hard?
It seems to me I’ve let go of so much. The little things that don’t really matter. Showers. Clean fingernails. Getting out of jammies…..no, not the kids, me-don’t worry my kids do usually shower and get dressed. And the big things that also don’t really matter, or at least they shouldn’t. Perfection. Appearance. The invisible, unspoken “Mom Standard”. But there is still so much in the way.
Trying to breath in deeply. Trying to give up my hopes of a detailed clean car that doesn’t stink like who-knows-what. Thankful to have a car that is paid for and full of gas and cheerios.
Trying to realize I can’t clean the cobwebs or scrub the (white!) cabinet doors in the kitchen. Thankful to have beautiful children to smear food on the cabinets and who don’t even know what a cobweb is.
Trying to keep exercising and eating better to lose (even a bit of) baby weight. Thankful for a husband who loves me as I am.
Trying to catch brief moments with my husband that loves me so well while he is away from us so much. Incredibly thankful he has a job and works so hard to provide for us.
Trying to not try quite so hard but to keep letting go. Remembering these words that I love tonight:
“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30