A mama update (in other words, details and feelings)
Hello friends, three cheers for wireless internet at the hospital. Thank you to my sweet hubby for letting me have his laptop here to use. I am feeling pretty disconnected from life at this point and it helps to be able to read comments and emails. As I type, Audrey is in the front pack (the Baby Bjorn) with her IV pole next to my shoulder. We are bouncing on the exercise ball, it has been one of the only things to help calm her hurting little body. If you know me well, I am a baby carrier junkie, and though normally not number 1 on my list, the design of the Bjorn makes it possible for me to wear her and keep her wrapped IV arm safely untangled. So today it is my new favorite.
How blessed am I to read comments in the previous post and know that in those four comments, prayers were being lifted up for Audrey in a town in California, on the Gold Coast of Australia, in music city-Nashville, Tennessee and up north in Bellingham too. Thank you.
Walking through the doors to come into the pediatric floor here on Wednesday brought back a heart full of emotion for me. Almost six years ago, this hospital was our home for almost 5 weeks as our firstborn baby fought for her life. Though only five weeks early, Rylee was extremely sick and spent just about all those 5 weeks in the hospital trying to get well. In a room just down the hall from where I am now I waited and stared and waited some more, six whole days to even hold my baby for the first time. Nearly everything that could have gone wrong seemed to go wrong.
So it is strangely comfortable for me to be here. There are even some nurses here that were here then. This is where we became a family of three almost six years ago and now here we are a family of six. Amazing.
The status for tonight is that up until an hour ago Audrey had consumed about 6 ounces out of the 24 she needs to get down in order to go home. I talked with a nurse and she said realistically it could be a couple more days. I keep asking if there is something else wrong, why is it taking so long for her to be able to eat and get better. The reality is, as my sister astutely observed, she is in pain. When we are in pain we keep up on pain pills and don’t feel like eating. Same for her, only it means we stay at the hospital till she feels better enough to eat.
Tonight, right after pumping milk for her, she was hungry. I wanted to cry because she tried nursing to my delight, but there was nothing left for her. I carefully grabbed the fresh bottle and tried to slip it into her mouth and she drank almost the whole thing. Now she is sleeping. So if we can just do this a few times more, we can go home.
I am missing our other kids so much my heart is hurting. It’s really hard to have to/get to stay here when I wish I could be both places. But I am so thankful for a wonderful husband who is taking very good care of our children. And for all of our friends and family who have brought food here and to our home and sat holding Audrey with me, thank you.
It is hard to watch Audrey try to scoot around with her gimpy, splinted arm. It is hard to try and calm her when there is nothing I can do. It is hard to hear my kids playing on the phone and not be there with them. It was unbearable to watch different nurses try to start her IV, then more nurses try to get blood for her labs, poking and jabbing all over her body. It is frustrating not being able to speed up her healing and get her home on my own terms.
But it is sweet being able to smell my kids hair when they came to visit today. It is peaceful sitting in this quiet room listening to the drip of fluids keeping Audrey hydrated. It is amazing to watch the kindness of others poured out in the most lovely ways. It is a blessing to know that what happens to Audrey is not up to me, that it is up to Someone much more capable than me. So goodnight, I will leave you with my prayer requests:
For Audrey to not get woken up by nurses who want to do her vitals, that they would let me get them when she is awake instead of them upsetting her. She really needs some decent sleep in order to heal.
For my weary, sore, spent self. That I could keep giving and keep making milk for Audrey despite the toll of these days on my body.
For hunger to increase and pain to decrease in Audrey’s body.
Many thanks for your prayers and encouragement. Here are some more pictures taken today while Audrey’s sweet cousin Isaac came to visit. They sure do have a connection. Audrey perked right up when she saw him and they started chatting away immediately.